Today we found out that Facebook has changed it’s Terms of Service. Mashable reports: “In short, all of the content you’ve ever uploaded on Facebook can be used, modified or even sublicensed by Facebook in every possible way – even if you quit the service.”

But, if you read the fine print you’ll see that what this really means is every one’s worse fear has finally come true: The new Facebook monetization plan—selling all of your private information to relatives, friends, former flames—you name it.

Here’s what the ridiculously smart group of Carrot investigators found:

• By using the “past relationship feature” Facebook will be selling all future photos of you and current flames to your exes. They will then be able to print out, send to an iPhone, make into a wall calendar or dartboard picture for all to enjoy.
• Facebook will be able to sell the last names of all my prior relationships so my grandmother can ask why they are not Italian and why I ever thought it would be OK to date them.
• Change your relationship status to “It’s Complicated”? The other person in the relationship will now have full rights for purchase to your Facebook account to further prove just what is “So complicated” with your relationship.
• Facebook will be able to sell all of your photos to Stock photography. You never know! You might be the next spokesperson for Valtrex! (Remember the Friends episode when this happened to Joey?)
• Parents can now have full access to their child’s accounts with updated tagging features to point out where their underage child is drinking at a college party when they’re paying $50,000 a year on tuition. For a price, this feature also comes with a new tracking feature parents can install right into their child’s heads.
• 38 years from now if my kids pay Facebook $10 they will be able to browse my status updates to showcase that I actually once said ” I think the Jonas Brothers are Catchy.”
• Any photo tagged with Michael Phelps will now immediately be sent to Sports Illustrated, The New York Post and the National Olympic Committee for review.
• For $5 a month you will be able to get a list of everyone who looks at your profile. And for $25 Facebook will continue to hide the fact that you search for pictures of your little brothers girlfriend.
• Photos included in albums titled “Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day or New Years Eve” will automatically  be searched for drunk photos of potential investment bankers who decide to dress up like a fairy.

Now, with all of the fuss about the Terms of Service, we totally get why you’d be scared and why everyone is yelling about this.  Everyone deserves the right to cheat on their girlfriend/boyfriend and then have photos appear. Olympic role model millionaire athletes have every right to smoke illegal drugs. I mean, camera phones don’t exist in his world! If I want to talk bad about my boss in a public open online forum like  Facebook note, I’M GOING TO DO IT and I should be allowed to without getting in trouble!

This is awful Facebook. You’re ruining our fun. Now, we have to be careful about what we do online AND offline when cameras are around. HOW DARE YOU.

Disclosure: We’re obviously kidding. Get over it everyone—your information is public.We all know that Facebook is using this to collect data for potential advertisers and future business models—they could care less about what photos you’re taking on a Saturday night or your latest rant about the guy in the cubicle next to you who drives you crazy. You don’t want personal stuff flying around? DON’T post it. DON’T get yourself involved in something that will likely end up on the Internet. DON’T BE STUPID.